茶餐廳事件‏

三個男人到元朗一間茶餐廳嘆下午茶, 叫伙記落單. 要了三個老婆餅, 兩杯奶茶和一杯凍檸水.那個帶有一些內地口音的伙記寫低後, 向他們覆述一次:

"你哋三個老婆病, 兩個拉柴, 一個凍撚死.  喺冇?"

Performance Appraisal‏

There are 2 types of Performance Appraisal Systems: One is process-oriented, focusing on HOW one does in the job. The other is result-oriented, focusing on WHAT one achieves in the job.

A priest dies and is awaiting his turn in line at Heaven's Gates. 

Ahead of him is a guy, fashionably dressed, in dark sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket and jeans. St Peter asks him: "Please tell me who are you, so that I may know whether to admit you into the Kingdom of Heaven or not?" The guy replies: "I am Annam, an auto driver from Bangkok." St Peter consults his ledger, smiles and says to Annam: "Please take this silken robe and gold scarf, and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

Now it is the priest's turn. He stands erect and speaks out in a gentle voice: "I am the Pope's assistant, a priest for over 40 years." St Peter consults his ledger and says to the priest: "Please take this cotton robe and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

"Just a minute," says the agonized priest. "How is it that a foul mouthed, rash driving auto driver is given a silken robe and a golden scarf and me, a priest, who has spent his entire life preaching God's name and goodness has to make do with a cotton robe?"

"Results, my friend, results," shrugs St Peter. "When you preached, everybody slept; but when he drove his auto, everybody prayed."

Meet The Parents

A girl brought her boy friend home to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother told the father to find out about the young man. So he invited the boy to his study for tea.

"So what are your plans?" the father asked the boy.
"I am a religious scholar and I want to marry your daughter" he replied.
"A scholar!" the father said, "That's admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice and comfortable house for my daughter to live in?"
"I will study," the young man replied, "and God will provide for us."
"What are your plans for your future living with my daughter?" the father continued to ask.
"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replied, "God will provide for us."
"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asked the father.
"No worries," the young man replied, "God will provide for us."
"And children?" asked the father, "What about the children?"
"Don't worry, sir, I'm sure God will provide for us." replied the boy.

So the conversation continued, and finally the mother came in, took the father away and asked, "How did it go?"
The father answered, "He has no job. He has no plans. He knows only one thing; he thinks I'm God."

Situation Management

A crowded airline flight was canceled. A single agent was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.

Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS." The agent replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first; and then I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"

Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention, please?", she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him with his identity, please come to Gate 14".

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the agent, gritted his teeth, and said, "F*** You!"

Without flinching, the agent smiled and said, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to get in line for that, too."

Learn not only how to survive the storm, but also how to dance in the rain.

The Thief And The Con Man

A thief and a con man entered a chocolate store. As they were busy looking, the thief stole 3 chocolate bars.
After they left the store, the thief said to the con man, "Man, I'm the best thief, I stole 3 chocolates and no one saw me. You can't beat that." The con man replied: "You want to see something better? Let's go back to the shop and I'll show you the real stealing."

So they went to the counter and the con man said to the shopkeeper, "Do you want to see some magic ?" The shopkeeper replied: "Yes." The con man said: "Give me one chocolate bar." The shopkeeper gave him one, and he ate it. The con man then asked for a second bar, and he ate that as well. He asked for the third, and finished that one too.

The shopkeeper was perplexed and asked: "But where's the magic?" The con man replied: "Check in my friend's pocket, and you'll find all three bars of chocolate."

茶餐廳事件‏

噚日晌茶餐廳食晏, 睇完一輪餐牌後叫伙記落單.

我話, "咖哩雞飯, 唔該."
伙記話, "講英文吖, 唔該."
我心諗, "嘩! 你明明同我講中文. 點解要我講英文㗎." 我繼續諗, "哦! 佢可能喺 ABC (Australian Born Chinese), 可能唔明."
於是我決定就就佢. 用純正嘅英文同佢講, "Curry chicken with rice, please."

伙記睜大雙眼望住我, "我問你要 A, B, C 淨 D 餐咋."

Who's Smart?

A man and a woman were sitting next to each other on the plane. The man asked the woman, "Hey, wanna play a game? Let's ask each other a question in turn. If you don't know the answer, then you give me $5, and if I don't know the answer to your question, then I'll give you $5 too."
The woman said, " I really don't want to play unless you give me a handicap. If I don't know the answer, then I'll give you $5, but if you don't know the answer, you'll give me $50. Okay?"
The man thought he was much smarter than the woman, and so he confidently agreed.
There he started, " How many moons does Jupiter have?" After a few seconds, the woman said, "I don't know." And she reached into her purse and gave the man $5.
So came the woman's turn, "What goes up the hill with two legs and comes down with three?"
Reluctant to lose, the man hastily took out his laptop and searched the internet. After half an hour, the man sighed, "I don't know." And he reached into his purse and gave the woman $50.
A few minutes later, the man couldn't help but to asked the woman slowly in a low voice, "What was the answer?"
"I don't know either." The woman reached into her purse again and gave $5 to the man.

Truth and Reality

A CEO of a large corporation died and went to heaven. He was greeted by an angel at the gate. The angel counldn't find his record as there were seldom any CEOs in heaven. So the angel asked him to decide where he wanted to go - heaven or hell. The angel said, "You don't have to decide now. Go to each of these places to have a look, spend an hour there, come back to me and let me know your decision."
The CEO first went to hell. When the door opened, he saw a frantic party was going on inside. All his former collegues and friends were there. They were all celebrating like crazy. Everybody was enjoying delicious food and fine wine. The place was filled with handsome boys and beautiful girls. After an hour, they said goodbye to him and wished him to come back very soon.
Then the CEO went to heaven. Inside there was a tranquil and peaceful environment, with endless beautiful scenaries. There he relaxed and enjoyed comfortably for an hour.
Finally the time for making decision came. The CEO went back to see the angel and said, "Heaven certainly is good. But hell looks more attractive to me." So the CEO chose to go to hell.
Before long, the CEO was sent back to hell. Once the CEO entered the door, he was completely shocked by what he saw. Inside it was a desolate place. All his former collegues and friends were either being beaten by devils or being burned by fire. He was horrified and asked the staff at the door, "Why is it like this? Last time when I was here, it wasn't like this at all."
The staff at the door replied, " Last time you just came for an interview. Now you are one of our staff. Welcome to our corporation! HAHAHAhahahaha.............."

A job in a large corporation may look very appealing. But when you started, you'd work like hell!

Radio Conversation

Following is a recording of a radio conversation between a US navy ship and the Canadian Coast Guard off the coast of Newfoundland:

U. S. A.: "Please change your direction 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision."
Canada: "Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision."
U. S. A.: "This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course."
Canada: "No. I say again, divert YOUR course."
U. S. A.: "THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER - ENTERPRISE. WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW!"
Canada: "THIS IS A CANADIAN LIGHTHOUSE. UP TO YOU!!"

Sunday Service

One Sunday morning after the mass, little Alex was staring up at the plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. It was covered with names. Small national flags were mounted on the side of it.
The priest saw him , and approached him and said, "Good morning, Alex." "Good morning, Father." replied the young man. Still staring at the plaque, Alex asked, "What's this?" The priest said, "Well, son. It's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."
Little Alex's voice began to tremble. In a very low voice, he asked, "Father, is it the 9 or 11 o'clock service?"

I'm Senior

A senior citizen was driving down the M2 motorway. His car phone rang.

Answering, he heard his wife's voice saying hastily, "George, the news just said that there's a car going the wrong way on M2. Be careful!"
"My goodness!" cried George, "It's not just one car. There're hundreds of them!"

We Can Hear Just Fine

Three retirees were playing golf one fine day.

One man remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"
The second man replied, "No, it's Thursday."
And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."

Grandparents' Answering Machine

"Good morning ....... At present we are not at home, but please leave your message after the beep." ........... Beeeeppppp.

"If you are one of our children, dial 1 and then select the option from 1 to 5 in order of your birth so that we know who it is. ........
If you need us to stay with your children, press 2.
If you need to borrow the car, press 3.
If you want us to wash your clothes and ironing, press 4.
If you want the grandchildren to sleep here tonight, press 5.
If you want us to pick up the kids at school, press 6.
If you want us to prepare a meal for Sunday or have it delivered to your home, press 7.
If you want to come to eat here, press 8.
If you need money, dial 9.

If you are going to invite us to dinner, or take us to theatre,
start talking now ....... we are listening !!!"

Wrong Seat

An elderly lady called 000 on her mobile phone to report that her car had been broken into.

She was hysterical as she explained her situation to the operator, "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.
The operator said, "Lady, stay calm. An officer is on the way."
A few minutes later, the officer radioed in. "Disregard." He said, "She got in the back-seat by mistake......"

Lightning

Two men were attending a funeral service in a funeral parlour. After having a final view of the diseased in the coffin, one whispered to the other, "I heard poor George was struck by lightning. But why did he smile so brilliantly when he died?" The other replied, "He thought someone was taking a picture of him at that moment!"

When In Arabia, Do As The Arabs Do

A disappointed sales manager of Coca-Cola returned from his assignment to Saudi Arabia.
A friend asked, "Why weren't you successful with the Saudis?" The sales manager explained, "When I got posted, I was very confident that I would make a good sales pitch. But I had a problem. I didn't know how to speak Arabic. So I planned to convey the message through three posters."

First poster: A man is lying in the hot desert sand totally exhausted and fainted.
Second poster: A man is drinking Coca-Cola.
Third poster: A man is totally refreshed and lively.
And then these posters were posted all over the place.

"Terrific! That should have worked!" said the friend.
"The hell it should have!" said the sales manager. "But no one told me they read from right to left!"

Think Before You Speak

There were four guys, a French, a Russian, a German and an American, who found a small genie bottle. When they rubbed the bottle, a genie appeared. Thankful that the four guys had released him out of the bottle, the genie said, "I will give each of you a wish. In front of you, there are four swimming pools. When you run towards the pool and jump, you shout what you want the pool of water to become, your wish will come true."
The French started. He ran towards the pool, jumped and shouted, "WINE". There he jumped into a pool of wine.
Next the Russian followed. He ran towards the pool, jumped and shouted, "VODKA". There he jumped into a pool of vodka.
Then it was the German's turn. He ran towards the pool, jumped and shouted, "BEER". There he jumped into a pool of beer.
Lastly it was the American. He ran towards the pool but stepped on a banana peel. He slipped towards the pool and shouted, "SHIT". There he jumped into a pool of ............................

Wife : Girlfriend = TV : Mobile

Wife is like TV.
Girlfriend is like MOBILE (Phone).

At home watch TV.
Go out bring MOBILE.

No money, sell TV.
Got money change MOBILE.

Sometimes enjoy TV.
But most of the time you play with MOBILE.

TV is free for life.
For MOBILE if you don't pay, the services will be terminated.

TV is big, bulky and most of the time old.
MOBILE is cute, slim, curvy and portable at any time.

Operational cost for TV is acceptable.
Cost for MOBILE is high and often demanding.

TV has remote.
MOBILE doesn't.

With TV you MUST listen.
MOBILE is for two-way communications (you talk and listen).

TV do not have virus.
MOBILE? Definitely yes!

Wife vs Computer

I heard this from my friend (an IT guy) :

Wife can be mapped to a computer:
1. You face it everyday, and yet you still don't understand its complicated logic and difficult procedures.
2. It runs simple programs, which take you days to debug their errors.
3. It performs fast and accurate computations. It can compute how much salary to the dollar you still get left, and how much money you need in each single day in matter of nanoseconds.
4. It has superb memory and storage. Your every minor mistakes are stored securely and permanently on file, and can be recalled momentarily as and when required.
5. It organizes everything for you systematically: which restaurant to go, what tie to wear and when to see the in-law.
6. It is expensive to purchase. It is even more expensive to purchase the associated software and peripherals.
7. One minor careless mistake will cause it to crash. You need to spend a fortune and weeks to repair and restore for recovery.
8. It hangs up from time to time for no reasons, but will resume its operations automatically without your knowing.
9. It is your most precious toy and tool ever in life that you love and hate.

空籠

最近記起一個關於亞嘛的故事.

有一天，亞嘛, 大哥, 大嫂，威伯伯，姑媽和我們幾人飲早茶. 吃過一輪點心後, 亞嘛想將吃完了空的點心籠, 放到枱邊, 以便侍應容易收拾. 亞嘛看到坐在對面的大嫂, 正在津津有味地吃着蝦餃. 亞嘛指着她說, "亞嫂, 你嗰邊有冇籠空（隆胸)?" 大嫂嚇了一跳. 蝦餃差點兒哽在喉嚨裡. 她連忙向亞嘛灑手, 急促地說, "細聲, 細聲點 ! 我冇, 我冇呀 !" 亞嘛看了她一眼, 更加提高聲響地說, "乜話? 我明明見到你有籠空. 仲話冇?"
全場一時為之嘩然 ! 大嫂差一點要躲到枱底下去了.