廣東話竭後語‏‏

屎忽窿生瘡……冇眼睇
鹹蛋滾湯…....…心都實曬
瓦簷獅子…....…叻到呅
跪地餵豬乸……睇銭份上
床底破柴…....…撞曬大板
老婆擔遮…....…陰功（公）
投石落屎坑……激起公憤（攻糞）
火燒豬頭…...…熟口熟面
天堂尿壺…...…全神貫注
撒路溪錢…...…吸引死人
黃皮樹了哥……唔熟唔食
聾啞送殯…...…唔聽你支死人笛
濕水棉花…..…冇得彈
狗上瓦坑…..…有條路
十月芥菜…..…起曬心
肥婆坐屎塔…..TUP TUP 冚
紙紮下巴…..…口輕輕
屎坑關刀….…冇張利，文（聞）又唔得，武（舞）又唔得
番薯跌落灶.…該煨
老公潑扇…..…淒（妻）涼
和尚擔遮…..…無法（髮）無天
單眼仔睇老婆…一眼睇哂
水兵對水手……水鬥水
三元宮土地……錫（愛惜）身
陸文庭睇相……唔衰摞嚟衰
白雲山一擔泥…眼闊肚窄
年尾煎堆…....…人有我有
廚房階磚…....…鹹濕
秀才手巾…...…包書（輸）
十月蔗頭…...…甜到尾
倒掛臘鴨…...…油嘴滑舌
抬棺材甩褲……失禮死人
雷公劈豆腐……穩軟嘅來”蝦”
魚片粥….......…啱啱熟
生蟲拐杖…...…靠唔住
沙灣燈籠…...…何苦（府)
番禺蠟燭…...…假細心
棺材拐杖…...…死頂
屎坑石頭…...…又臭又硬
田雞過河…...…各有各YANG
墳場跳舞…...…扮鬼
廁所嚸燈…...…找（死）屎
啊波教燈…...…有著有唔著
半夜食黃瓜……唔知頭唔知尾
扁鼻佬戴眼鏡…冇得頂
鼎湖上素…....…好齋
火燒旗桿…...…長嘆（炭）
飛機打交…...…高鬥
海底石斑…...…好瘀（魚）
山草藥…….......up嘚僦up
番鬼佬月餅……悶極（moon cake）
非洲和尚…...…乞（黑）人憎（僧)
潮州二胡…...…自己顧自己（gee gee gu gee gee)
斷柄鋤頭…...…冇揸拿
貓兒洗面…...…系咁意
棺材鋪拜神……想人死
蒸生瓜…...........腎腎地
神仙放屁….…不同凡響
護照相片..........出洋相
單眼佬睇榜睇女婿（亞單睇榜）..... 一眼睇曬
順風屎艇..........快夾臭
曬菲林...............唔見得光
水浸眼眉...........唔知死
阿駝行路...........中中地
十幾人食一份煙....無厘癮頭
番婆大肚...........心懷鬼胎
狗上瓦桁...........有條路
塘邊鶴...............睇準嚟食
老鼠跌落天平....自己稱自己
白糖炒涼瓜........同甘共苦
杉木靈牌............做唔得主
火麒麟................周身引（癮）
賣鯇魚尾............搭嘴
神颱桔................陰乾
棚尾拉箱............暗中走人
隔夜油炸鬼........冇厘火氣
交通燈................點紅點綠
黃鱔上沙灘........唔死一身潺
魚生粥...............僅僅熟

航空母艦...........食水深
老鼠拉龜...........冇訂埋手
死人燈籠...........報大數
白鴿眼...............勢利小人（睇高唔睇低）
白菜煮豆腐...... 一清二白
問和尚攞梳....冇嗰樣攞嗰樣
雞食放光蟲.......心知肚明
密底算盤...........冇漏罅
瓦靴...................唔落得台
秀才手巾...........包書（輸）
繡花袋仔...........人人啱
神颱貓屎...........神憎鬼厭
山草藥...............噏得就噏
菠蘿雞...............靠黐
陸榮廷睇相.......唔衰攞嚟衰
賣魚佬沖涼.......冇腥氣
龍舟菩薩........（水）衰神
咸欖煲茶白欖...冇得解
龍舟棍...............頂衰神
賊仔入學堂.......碰到都是輸（書）
阿奇生阿奇.......奇上加奇
阿蘭嫁阿瑞.......累上加累（蘭花和瑞香花均是有香氣的花卉，放在一起則香氣重疊了。）
洗腳不抹腳.......系咁 fing（該歇後語是形容人花錢沒節制。）
返潮話梅...........又鹹又濕
烏蠅遛馬尾........一拍兩散
茅根竹...............借（蔗）水
冇米粥...............水汪汪（冇實際）
扭紋柴...............難搞掂
神仙過鐵橋.......包穩陣
剃刀門楣...........出入都刮
豬籠入水...........瓣瓣掂
疍家雞見水......得個望
塘底魚..............水干才見
賊佬試沙煲......試吓先
裁縫度身..........有分寸
唔食羊肉一身躁..............無端受牽連
電燈膽..............唔通氣
單料銅煲..........一滾就熟
細路哥剃頭......就快就快
挖肉攞瘡生......自討苦吃
火燒城隍廟......急死鬼
老火炆鴨..........得把嘴硬
食咗成擔蒜頭...好大口氣
冇掩雞籠...........自出自入
大姑娘做媒.......說人不說己
濕水麻繩...........越纏越緊
蟒蛇遇箭豬.......難纏
打針吃黃蓮.......自討苦吃
大砲打蚊茲.......白費力
燒壞瓦...............唔入疊
火燒石灰船.......冇得救（無藥可醫）
 木頭人..............冇心肝
上香打噴嚏.......一面灰
大花臉抹眼淚....離行離列
乾塘捉魚...........冇走雞
羅漢請觀音.......人多好擔當
水溝油...............撈唔埋
炮仗頸...............爆完至安樂
豬頭骨...............難啃兼冇肉
大石砸死蟹.......冇聲出
木頭眼鏡...........睇唔透
半夜雞啼...........唔知醜
上好沉香當爛柴,,,,,,,,唔識貨
香蕉樹影...........粗枝大葉
跑馬射蚊須.......十分眇茫
冇檳榔嚼唔出汁......事出有因
蓊菜文章...........半通不通
茶樓搬家...........另起爐灶
指天椒...............越細越竦
十二點半...........指天督地
出爐鐵................聽打（唔打唔得 ）
七個銅錢分兩份.......唔三唔四
上山捉蟹............難
太公分豬肉........人人有份
除褲放屁............多此一舉
食豬紅苛黑屎....當堂見效
阿崩叫狗............越叫越走
年三十晚謝灶....好做唔做
灶君上天............有個句講個句
灶頭抹布............鹹濕
阿茂整餅...........-無個樣整個樣
壽星公吊頸........嫌命長
豉油撈飯............整色整水
泥菩薩過江.........自身難保
八仙過海.............各顯神通
皇帝女................-晤憂嫁
姜太公釣魚.........願者上钩
盲公食湯丸.........心中有數
老虎頭上釘蝨乸..........想死
南無佬跌落糞坑..........無曬符
啞仔食黃連.........有苦自己知
聾人送殯.............唔聽你支死人笛
風吹雞蛋殼.........財散人安樂
死雞撐飯蓋.........死都想撐返生
去街運何村.........浪費時間
問蝦攞血.............無都要有
隨口嗡 ........當秘笈
女人心.........海底針
走得快.........好世界
大蝦細.........俾屎餵
人工高.........福利好
笑騎騎.........放毒蛇
識少少.........扮代表
牙斬斬.........死得慘
有早知.........無乞兒
搏大霧.........唔使做[混水摸魚]
有姿勢.........無實際
細細粒.........容易食
趁佢病.........羅佢命
有異性.........無人性
有殺錯.........無放過
眼光光.........等天光
冇啦啦.........整笪疤
人嚇人.........無藥醫
三行佬做門.........過得自己，過得人
老太婆飲湯.........無齒下流
裙底插令箭.........出西奇（旗）
牛皮燈籠.............點極唔明
太監騎馬.............無得頂
光棍佬教仔.........便宜莫貪
賣剩蔗................無人要
無尾飛陀.............無影無踪
無掩雞籠.............自出自入
水扣油................撈唔埋
廣東涼茶.............包好
入網魚,進籠蝦.....走唔甩
掛羊頭.................賣狗肉
外甥打燈籠..........照舊（舅）
墳場燒炮丈..........嚇死人
閻羅王嫁女..........揾鬼要
成吉思汗打仔.......大汗（踏）細汗
向飛發佬拜師.......從頭學起
旦家婆摸蜆...........第二世(篩)
未見過大蛇屙屎....未見過世面
羅來典..................無個樣驚個樣
打腫臉..................充肥仔
豬八戒發夢娶老婆.........盡想好事
閻羅王探病............問你死未
石灰鋪路...............白行
水浸缸瓦鋪...........盆滿缽滿
閻羅王招工...........揾鬼嚟做
落雨天掛梅香........又鹹又濕
黑白天鵝...............日哦夜哦
飛機火燭...............燒雲（銷魂）
擔掃把入屋............打橫來
丈母娘遇親家母.....婆婆媽媽
黃婆賣瓜................自賣自誇
豉油辣椒醬............你想點就點
阿駝賣蝦米............大家都唔掂
阿崩養貓................轉性
“鄧”家婆打仔..........睇你走去邊
東莞佬賣席.............你生定死架
屙尿射竹筒.............靠撞
隔年通勝................唔值錢
缸瓦船打老虎.........盡地一煲
雞疴尿...................少有
三水佬考試............少個得個
印度佬疴尿............烏sir sir
打開棺材喊捉賊......冤枉死人
剃頭佬走警報.........懶刮
灶君跌落鑊............精（蒸）神
五更雞啼...............唔知醜
床下底踢毽............大家咁高
瓦封領...................包頂頸
半桶水...................無料又認叻
狗咬呂洞賓............不知好人心
偷雞唔到................虧抓米
甩頭筆...................唔舍(寫)得
貓洗面...................系咁意
乾隆皇契弟............週日清
老鼠尾生瘡............大極都有限
男人靠得住............豬乸會上樹
船頭尺..................(度水) 借錢
酒樓例湯...............整定
三水佬睇走馬燈.....陸續有嚟
水至清則無魚........人至賤則無敵
窮人買米.............. 一聲（升）
賣布唔帶尺 ........... 存心不良（量）
窮木匠開張 ........... 只有一句（鋸）
風吹皇帝褲浪..........孤鳩寒（唔好教壞細路）
國際機場男廁.........乜鳩都有
落（用）手食西餐...冇叉用
西瓜正........... melon fine (麻撚煩)
澳門風扇.................Macau fan (麻鳩煩)

茶餐廳事件‏

三個男人到元朗一間茶餐廳嘆下午茶, 叫伙記落單. 要了三個老婆餅, 兩杯奶茶和一杯凍檸水.那個帶有一些內地口音的伙記寫低後, 向他們覆述一次:

"你哋三個老婆病, 兩個拉柴, 一個凍撚死.  喺冇?"

Feng Shui (The Science of) (4)

T-Junction
------------

Feng Shui is considered bad if a house is located directly at a T-junction. As shown in the diagram, the house is like being placed in front of the sharp end of a spear. In such location, there is always a possibility of accidents for vehicles travelling along the road to run into the house causing disasters to the house and residents inside. Even though accidents may not actually occur, but the fear of such happenings would cause stress and hence affect the health of the residents. Living in such an uncomfortable, unsafe and unhealthy environment, people may find it hard to perform well and achieve success easily. Hence they may feel luck is not on their side and thus Feng Shui of the house is bad.

On the contrary, Feng Shui is considered good if the house is not a residence but a public building (e.g. temple, church or commercial complex like a bank or shopping center). In such location, there is high possibility for people to come from every direction thus raising the popularity and prosperity of the place.

Man and Woman‏

A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.
 A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.
 
 A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
 A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
 
 A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
 A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
 
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to
understand her at all.
 
 A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
 A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
 
 A woman always has the last word in any argument.
 Anything a man says after that last word is always the beginning of a new argument.

Feng Shui (The Science of) (3)

Track - Sickle and Belt

-----------------------------

A track can be a road or a river.

A. Sickle

Feng Shui is considered bad if a house is located on the concave side of a track. The shape of the track is like a sickle cutting the house at all times, causing a bad feeling to the residents of the house. If the track is a road, cars travelling on the road have the possibility to veer off from the road during the turn and run into the house. If the track is a river, water would constantly erode the concave side of the bank and may flood into the house. In either case, disaster may occur to the residents in the house. Even though disaster may not actually occur, but the fear of such happenings would cause stress and hence affect the health of the residents. Living in such uncomfortable, unsafe and unhealthy environment, prople may find it hard to perform well and achieve success easily. Hence they may feel luck is not on their side and thus Feng Shui of the house is considered bad.

In ancient times, there were no cars. But the ancient modes of transportation; running horses and horse-carts would have similar effects.

B. Belt

Feng Shui is considered good if a house is located on the convex side of a track. The shape of the track is like a belt embracing the house at all times, making the residents feel warm, safe and dignified. In such location, there is little chance of accidents and disasters as mentioned above to happen and consequently there is much less fear of those happenings. Living in such comfortable, safe and healthy environment, residents usually would perform well and achieve success with relative ease. Hence, they may find luck is on their side and hence Feng Shui of the house is good.

Feng Shui (the Science of) (2)

Placement of House

-----------------------------

For good Feng Shui, the placement of the house should have the following characteristics:

1. Back North, Front South (坐北向南 )
    The back of the house should face North and have solid walls. If there is a back door to the house, it should be kept shut at all times unless being used. As cold air in winter usually comes from the North, the enclosed back would block off cold air at winter times, thus providing a warmer and more comfortable living environment in winter.
    The front of the house should face South and have the main entrance, balcony and windows. As cool breeze in summer usually comes from the South, the front openings would allow cool air to flow inside the house, thus proving a cooler and more comfortable living environment in summer.

2. Left Green Dragon, Right White Tiger (左青龍, 右白虎 )
    It is said that there are four guardians to the house: left green dragon, right white tiger, front red phoenix and back black turtle.
    The left side of the house should face East. East represents morning. Green dragon is the symbolic creature guarding the left (i.e. East) side of the house. Green implies freshness and life while dragon represents the master. Hence on the East side of the house, we should ideally have something green like a river or a lining of trees externally which would provide fresh air to the house in the morning. Internally, as master, we should have the more essential components of the house like the master bedroom, lounge etc. to represent the master position and to take advantage of the better living environment.
    As the left side faces East, the right side of the house then faces West. West represents evening. White tiger is the symbolic creature guarding the west side of the house. White implies brightness and heat while tiger represents fierceness. The West side of the house usually suffers from the bright sunlight and fierce heat in the evening. As such, we should ideally have externally some protections like another neighboring house or a solid fence. Internally, we should have relatively less essential components of the house like kid's rooms or playing areas etc. to reduce the impacts of the less ideal living environment.
 
3. Front Red Phoenix, Back Black Turtle (前朱雀, 後玄武 )
    Red phoenix is the symbolic creature guarding the front of the house. Red implies beauty and fortune while phoenix represents goodness. As phoenix is a bird and bird likes to fly freely, we should have externally an open space in front of the house like a fountain, a pool or a lawn, thus providing unobstructed pleasant views for residents in the house. Internally, we should have the more essential components of the house like balcony, living room etc. for the residents to enjoy the nice sceneries which provide a more relaxing and more comfortable living environment.
    Black turtle is the symbolic creature guarding the back of the house. Black implies ugliness and evil while turtle represents badness. The back of the house is usually relatively less pleasant and hence ideally have protections externally by some tall structure like a hill or a tall building. Internally, we should have less essential components of the house like kitchen, laundry or bath rooms.
    If the front side of the house also faces South and the back side North, it is considered to have even better Feng Shui for benefits as mentioned in (1) above.

With better placement of the house, we could have better living conditions which provide more comfortable, enjoyable and healthy living environment. Living in an environment with such good qualities, we usually can perform well and may achieve success with relative ease. As a feeling, we may think we are in good luck with good Feng Shui in the house.

Performance Appraisal‏

There are 2 types of Performance Appraisal Systems: One is process-oriented, focusing on HOW one does in the job. The other is result-oriented, focusing on WHAT one achieves in the job.

A priest dies and is awaiting his turn in line at Heaven's Gates. 

Ahead of him is a guy, fashionably dressed, in dark sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket and jeans. St Peter asks him: "Please tell me who are you, so that I may know whether to admit you into the Kingdom of Heaven or not?" The guy replies: "I am Annam, an auto driver from Bangkok." St Peter consults his ledger, smiles and says to Annam: "Please take this silken robe and gold scarf, and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

Now it is the priest's turn. He stands erect and speaks out in a gentle voice: "I am the Pope's assistant, a priest for over 40 years." St Peter consults his ledger and says to the priest: "Please take this cotton robe and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

"Just a minute," says the agonized priest. "How is it that a foul mouthed, rash driving auto driver is given a silken robe and a golden scarf and me, a priest, who has spent his entire life preaching God's name and goodness has to make do with a cotton robe?"

"Results, my friend, results," shrugs St Peter. "When you preached, everybody slept; but when he drove his auto, everybody prayed."

The Clock Problem

I recall in my primary school days, we were taught to solve the clock problem in arithmetic, an example of which is as follows:

"Between the hour 8 and 9 o'clock, what time will the hour-hand and the minute-hand overlap with each other?"

We know that at 8 o'clock, the minute-hand is at the 0-minute position while the hour-hand is at the 40-minute position. As the minute-hand moves to catch up with the hour-hand, the hour-hand also moves albeit at a much slower pace. In fact, when the minute-hand moves 60 minutes (1 round), the hour-hand moves 5 minutes (1 hour). So they are moving at different speeds in the ratio of 12 : 1. When the minute-hand reaches the 40-minute position, the hour-hand would have moved a little bit further. We also know that the minute-hand will catch up with the hour-hand somewhere between the 40-minute and 45-minute position (They cannot go beyond the 45-minute position otherwise the hour-hand would have gone beyond 9 o'clock already).

In those school days, we were taught to obtain the answer arithmetically (frankly without a full understanding) as:

"40 x 12/11 or 43.64 minutes after 8 o'clock"

As we advanced into secondary school, we learnt Algebra. With the power of Algebra, the problem could be easily (and logically) understood and solved :

Let m be the position (in minutes) of the minute-hand and h be the position (in minutes) of the hour-hand.
As the minute-hand moves m minutes, the hour-hand moves m/12 minutes.
At 8 o'clock, the hour-hand is at 40 while the minute-hand is at 0 (i.e. the hour-hand has a head start of 40 before the minute-hand tries to catch up).
Hence, the position of the hour-hand (h) at any time is related to the position of the minute-hand (m) as follows:

h = 40 + m/12     ............... (1)

When the position of the hour-hand overlaps with the minute-hand,

h = m

Putting this back into the relation (1),

m = 40 + m/1 2

Solving this equation, we have:

m = 40 x 12/11 or 43.64 minutes

Hence, the time between 8 and 9 o'clock when the hour-hand and minute-hand overlap with each other is 43.64 minutes past 8.

Naturally, the problem can be re-phrased to ask for the same situation in any hour rather than between the hour 8 to 9 o'clock. In that case, we just replace the head start position 40 by the corresponding starting position of the hour-hand accordingly.

In addition, there are other variations of the clock problem: e.g.

A. "Between the hour 8 and 9 o'clock, what time will the hour-hand and the minute-hand form a straight line with each other?"

As from above, when the hour-hand forms a straight line with the minute-hand,

h = m + 30

Putting this back into the relation (1),

m + 30 = 40 + m/12        

Solving this equation, we have:

m = 10 x 12/11 or 10.91 minutes

Hence, the time between 8 and 9 o'clock when the hour-hand and minute-hand form a straight line with each other is 10.91 minutes past 8.

B. "Between the hour 8 and 9 o'clock, what time will the hour-hand and the minute-hand form a right angle  with each other?"

As the hour-hand can be right-angled in front of or behind the minute-hand, so when the hour-hand forms a right angle with the minute-hand,

h = m + 15 or h = m - 15

Putting this back into the relation (1),

m + 15 = 40 + m/12 or m - 15 = 40 + m/12

Solving this equation, we have:

m = 25 x 12/11 or 27.27 minutes

or

m = 55 x 12/11 or 60 minutes

Hence, the time between 8 and 9 o'clock when the hour-hand and minute-hand form a right angle with each other is either 27.27 minutes past 8 or 9 o'clock.

If at any point of the calculation, the number becomes negative, add 60 to the number before going on, reason being the minute-hand runs only between 0 and 60 in the clock face.

Feng Shiu (The Science of) (1)

In Chinese, 'Feng' is 'wind' and 'Shui' is 'water'. As wind comes from air. 'Feng Shui' literally means 'air' and 'water'
Air and water are the two essential elements of life without which we cannot survive. With good quality of air and water, we enjoy safety, comfort and good health. Living in an environment with such quality (we say with good Feng Shui), we usually perform well and may achieve success with relative ease. As a feeling, we think we are in good luck with good Feng Shui.
Feng Shui is a study of the environment in which air and water are the two influential ingredients. Feng Shui studies how our living environment affects our life. It is a collection of wisdoms by Chinese over thousands of years based on their experience and observed statistics of the living environment. Traditionally, people learning Feng Shui tend to concentrate more on 'how' and not so much on 'why'. Our aim is to provide a scientific basis in explaining how and why Feng Shui affects our life, and thus our 'luck'.

As Feng Shui was developed by Chinese living in the Northern Hemisphere, the science of Feng Shui naturally reflects such fact. Unless otherwise stated, our forthcoming discussions are based on the situations in the Northern Hemisphere. For people living in the Southern Hemisphere, two points need to be noted in the study due to the difference in geography:

1. Change 'North' to 'South' and vice versa.

    In general, winds from the North are cold and those from the South are warm. But in Southern Hemisphere, winds from the South are cold and those from the North are warm, as an example.
2. Change the timings of 'Summer' and 'Winter'.
    Summer is centered around July and winter around January. Again, in Southern Hemisphere, summer is centered around January and summer around July, as another example.

All other aspects of Feng Shui apply equally apart from these 2 points.